H: Unpopular Opinions

Warning: The following post contains life views that some readers may
find unrelatable or disagreeable.  Viewer discretion is advised.

Before starting, a quick thanks to those who reached out after reading G.  My anxiety post-posting was sky-high.  After all, why would anyone care about what's going on in my life or my opinions on topics I deem important?  Hearing that others could relate or that they liked having a glimpse into my life was incredibly comforting.  Your encouragement meant more than this paragraph conveys.  Thank you.

Okay.  Sap over.  Post H: Unpopular Opinions!

My Midwest upbringing was wonderful.  I had parents that were involved and together, four living grandparents married to college sweethearts for sixty+ years, plenty of family friends serving as role models for what a parent/spouse should be, and friends from near-identical backgrounds with few exceptions.  It was comfortable.  It was supportive.  Never was I given a reason to question if it would be my future as well, because why would I want anything different?  It was a great life, and I'd be crazy to think anything else was worth considering.

For any Midwest foreigners, the standard "nuclear family" model is somewhat of a Middle-class Midwest Mindset (3M™) that goes as follows: Graduate high school à Go to college à Meet the love of your life à Get married by your mid-20s à Raise 2.4 kids à Work a career job à Retire à Live that sweet grandparent life à Die.

3M is tried-and-true, proven to be a source of stability.  The risk of failure is low and the likelihood of contentment is high.  Sure there will be peaks and valleys along the way, but this path is a guaranteed way to successfully human.  At least that's what I grew up assuming.  I followed this 3M model without question until I turned 24.

I found myself engaged, staring at a detailed map of my future, and I was terrified.  People asked daily if I was excited and, as a dutiful Midwesterner, I forced a nod and a smile and an, "Oh yeah, definitely!" because that's what someone wants to hear when asking a question like that.  But the most memorable ask came from my sister over some Chinese food, sitting in a booth at the River Market Bo Lings.  "As your sister I feel I have to ask this, but I'll only ask once and I'll believe whatever you tell me: are you sure this is what you want?"

Why shouldn't I want this?  This is a wonderful guy.  He cares about me more than anyone on the planet.  My family adores him.  Our life together will be full of double dates with great friends, our families will be active in our life, we'll be financially stable, both of our roots are in Olathe so holidays will be low-hassle.  Plus I'm nearing old maid status and have always wanted to be a young mom, which is nearly impossible if I don't start now.  If not him, how would I find someone else in time to start a family?  And he loves me a lot - what if no one else ever feels about me like he does?  Am I really willing to risk this safe life for an unknown future?  That would be an irresponsible decision.

After a pause long enough to answer for me, I told her yes.  True to her promise she dropped it and moved on.  But I didn't.  

I'd struggled with depression for years and thinking of the impending marriage only made things worse.  Something deep but hidden was sourcing my unhappiness - for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was, but it hung around like a storm cloud during the engagement just as it had through most of our five year relationship.  Shouldn't this be the happiest point in my life?  Why don't I feel like I'm supposed to?

Two months after my 24th birthday I listened to my gut, made the most painful decision of my life, and called off the wedding.  Without question the hardest thing I've done.  Without question the most heartbroken I've ever felt.  Without question the most guilt I've ever felt.  

Without question the bravest thing I've done.  

No, I had no idea what I was doing.  Yes, I understood I was veering off the beaten path into uncharted territory.  But for once it felt like I was doing what was right instead of what was easy.

The first month of recovery felt impossible so I saw a therapist.  I cried (a lot), she was generally wonderful, and things got better.  My mood eventually brightened, my heart was scarred but healing, and I was on the way to redefining myself.  To building a life predicated on what I wanted for myself.  But the change in mentality wasn't immediate - I wouldn't even say it was quick.  In 2014 I started dating someone new and quickly found myself with many of the same feelings as before.  It was really good for the most part, but I spent a substantial fraction of the time desperate for an escape.  Recognizing the warning signs, I ended it by early 2015.

The rest of that year was tough.  I struggled with being alone, wondering if I was being too picky and had passed up another viable option to fulfill that 3M life.  Nearly everyone in my friend group was pairing off and I was continuously reminded that I was single.  That I was no one's first priority.  But I wasn't my own either.  So I went back to my therapist and, with her help, I began to self-interrogate.

Why don't you think you were happy in your two relationships?  Were there trends?  Why do you want a relationship?  What's wrong with being along?  Why do you want to be married?  Why do you want kids?  If you died young without starting a family, would you regret it?  What do you want from life?

Answering honestly was freaking hard, man.  It's really easy to bullshit yourself when the truth is inconvenient.  My default answers included staples like:  Being alone is lonely!  I want someone to care for me!  I want kids to build a family and have people that will take care of me when I'm old!  But is that canon really true for me?  It hadn't been working too well for me to date, so unveiling my real answers meant I had to start questioning my assumptions.

A few years back I read a book called Change Your Questions, Change Your Life that introduces something called "q-storming".  The name is cheesy AF but the goal is solid: figure out what all you don't know before trying to move forward.  You start by asking as many questions as possible, but without answering them.  Just thought-vomit until you're out of questions and are more confused than you were at the start, then start chipping away at the answers.  By the end you've resolved questions you didn't know you had in the first place and you thoroughly understand the topic at hand.  

Yeah this is meant for business settings, but the concept seemed like a good candidate to sort out my confused state of mind.  Here's a sample of "q-storming" myself:

"Being alone is lonely!"  You mean being physically alone?  Don't you like having introverted escapes sometimes?  And when you want to be social, whats wrong with time with friends?  Do you just want someone around your living space?  Can a roommate fill that same need?  They don't sleep in the same bed as you, true, but based on past experience do you really like sharing your sleeping space?  It definitely can be nice sometimes, but is that a reason by itself to seek a relationship?  You didn't like who you became past relationships - is living as that person a fair trade-off for companionship?  Didn't you feel lonely while in past relationships?  If you feel lonely as a girlfriend and lonely as a single person, might that mean it's a human emotion transcending relationship status that you should figure out how to deal with independent of whether or not you're dating someone?

"I want someone to care for me!"  Are you not capable of taking care of yourself?  Do you not trust the loved ones currently in your life to be there for you when you need it?  You take pride in your independence, your family and your friends - what gap would a significant other fill that isn't filled now?

"I want kids to build a family and have people that will take care of me when I'm old!"  What are your reasons for wanting to build a new family, other than trying to meet a societal expectation?  Based on your observations of those around you, what are some benefits that only the traditional family setup provides?  What are the drawbacks or limitations?  Is your own personal care a selfish reason to bring life into this world?  Why not take care of yourself now to avoid requiring a caretaker later?  Something unexpected might happen, sure, but can't any loved one be there to help you through it?  Why does it have to be the obligation of your offspring?  If you don't think anyone you love now will be around or able to help you in your old age, why not continue building strong relationships with new people between now and then?

That's just a sampling of questions I've tried sorting out over the years.  It's an exhausting exercise for sure, especially at the start.  But I would never have gotten to the final question of the first prompt had I not asked the others first, and it turns out it was an important one to consider.

Q:  If you feel lonely as a girlfriend and lonely as a single person, might that mean it's a human emotion transcending relationship status that you should figure out how to deal with independent of whether or not you're dating someone?

A:  YEP, sure is.

Since being forced to define what loneliness means to me I've found myself lonely less often.  Don't get me wrong, it took the better part of multiple years to get where I am now and I'm under no illusion that I've made it to the finish line.  But I can say with all sincerity that this journey of honest self discovery has enhanced my life more than any pretense I used to live under.  Gone are my years of depression.  Gone is the belief that I can't be whole on my own.  Gone are the feelings of failure for being unwed and childless.  In their place are days that average a 7.67 out of 10 on the happiness scale, alone time spent living life instead of prowling for companionship, and quality time with dear friends laughing, sharing stories, pipe-dreaming, eating great food, and debating world events.  The theme of my day-to-day has transitioned from fear - of an unknown future, of being alone, of meeting others' expectations - to a sense of peace.  And being at peace is pretty cool.

Loneliness still creeps back in now and then.  I'll second guess my atypical outlook on life.  Question if this unmarked trail I'm on is as great as it seemed at the start.  But unlike depressions of yore, these are short and infrequent.  I used to stew in my sadness, convinced this would be my new norm unless I did something drastic.  But now when that little S.O.B. sneaks back into my mind, Sane D has a heart-to-heart with Down D.  "Yes, this is no fun.  We've been here before and we'll be here again, but it's temporary.  We'll be back to normal eventually - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month - so no overreacting to these feelings or dwelling in the doubt.  Remember when we used to try redefining our entire life after one day like this?  That led to like five breakups with just two people.  We're allowed to have a bad day or be in a funk now and then.  Just trust that it will all be okay, and we really will be okay."  Sane D is pretty good at these pep talks.  They work every time.

Overall I'm happy, I'm content, and I'm confident that the life views I've reached after years of agonizing consideration are my own.  These include decisions to take marriage and kids off my bucket list...sorry Mom and Dad.  I could write an essay over why these two 3M pillars aren't for me, but I'll reserve that discussion for anyone interested enough to ask.  If we don't discuss it further, I do hope you trust my decision making process.  If you pity me at my funeral for never having a family, I'm haunting you first.

This journey of self-discovery has been fun.  Definitely not at every step, but overall it's been the best five years of my life.  Post F on this blog is a great sample of the starting line.  I can't wait to come back to read this one five years from now and laugh at myself for thinking I knew anything.


2018 So Fars
Coolest Thing:  Taking a private jet like a BOSS
Biggest Regret:  Spending money on beet chips