O: Home is Where the Heart Is...but which piece?

The concept of home has been keeping me up at night. 

It seems simple enough. For many it's as easy as home is where the heart is -- as in a physical location. The place they were raised; the place their family lives; the place they feel a deep sense of belonging; the place they plant their roots; the place their partner and/or kids are. But home isn't that easily defined for me, because my heart (and therefore, according to the saying, my home) is scattered across the world.

Is home Kansas City? Whether I like it or not, I have deep roots in KC. Beyond the familiarity, it's where my sister and her partner live. It's where the love of my life is, and will be for no fewer than 16 more years. It's where my grandma is, where some aunts and uncles (blood or otherwise) are, where dear friends are, where a large community of love and support fostered over 34 years resides. The environment is not my vibe and I've said for years that I would never move back, but regardless of how far I run KC has a lot of things going for it. Kansas City has a substantial piece of my heart.

Is home Las Vegas? It's no secret that I'm close with my parents. I would visit them a lot under normal circumstances. Then you throw in PanCan and it makes me wonder if Nevada is where I belong. I loved living there the seven months I did in 2022 - the weather and climate are great, the chill vibe away from the Strip suits my style, and rooming with my parents was (un?)surprisingly wonderful. I would definitely find joy and contentment living there. Las Vegas has a substantial piece of my heart.

Is home Washington DC? Some of my most formative years were spent in the nation's capital. In those five years I navigated the intricate dance of independence away from my safety net, stretched my career aspirations to new limits, got to live with and near a best friend again, established lifelong friendships with beautiful souls, rode out a pandemic, dyed my hair pink/purple, witnessed an insane siege on democracy four blocks from where I lived, donated a kidney to a stranger, started a side business, and made the decision to end my career and start anew. It's where I emerged from my chrysalis. DC has a substantial piece of my heart.

Is home on the road? Most of my closest friends are scattered about the States. Denver, Dallas/Ft Worth, Portland, Baltimore, Boise, Ashville, Albuquerque. And with each of them is a piece of my heart. A piece that I desperately want to reconnect with; that without having nearby, I'll always be left yearning for. I spent the summer of 2021 living out of my car and spending time in many of these places, which was simultaneously chaotic and fulfilling. I'm not against doing it again, because my far-away friends have a substantial piece of my heart.

Is home Edinburgh? Far removed from the familiarities of the American Midwest, Edinburgh stole a piece of my heart in 2015 and continues to take more the longer I'm here. The castles, the landscapes, the community vibe, the history, the "live and let live" mentality, the lack of mosquitos or hot humidity, the accessibility to new and awaiting adventures, the socialized health care, the lovely people, the lack of added sales tax or tipping. Then add into the mix extremely rich, deep friendships forged in a short time but no less meaningful. I've fallen in love with life abroad. Edinburgh has a substantial piece of my heart.

So, where is my home? It's a question I grapple with daily. Moreso now as my student visa expires and I plan for the near-future. To me, home is more of a feeling, a sense of belonging, a connection with the people and environment around you. It's the comfort of snuggling my partner in KC. It's the warmth of my dad's hug in Nevada. It's the place where I finally found myself. It's my friendships that transcend I-70. It's the comfort I feel from a community culture that so perfectly matches my own. 

For me, home is a mosaic of memories, experiences, emotions, and connections that is untethered to any one particular spot. It is a complex, dynamic, evolving concept that doesn't fit neatly into traditional definitions or expectations. I find this both tragic and beautiful: a heart that will never be in tact, that will always feel pulled elsewhere, that will never feel truly settled...yet a heart put to good use, partitioned out for good reason, fulfilled with the variety life has to offer, and protected so that disaster can never wholly break it.

I don't know where I'll live in 2024. What I do know is that, wherever that may be, it will inevitably be home and not home. I will be sad and happy, fulfilled and yearning; incomplete and content. There is no right decision, there is no wrong decision, and my indecisive mind is having a fit. But amidst the chaos of choice, I know I will make the best decision for the moment, all will work out in the end, and I'll wholeheartedly embrace whichever home I land in.