J: Thought Trains to Nowhere

The following was written months ago, between H and I, but wasn't posted because it wasn't perfect enough to share with the hypothetical masses.  Given the theme of the next post I intend to write I'm #laterposting this in all of its imperfect glory.

Start:
Today I caught up on a dear friend's blog.  I make sure to read every post he writes and had fallen woefully behind.  By ten posts to be exact.  Your definition of "productive" may be different than mine, but I considered that a worthwhile hour.

Reading his blog made me think about my own.  Specifically about how I never write in it.  One of his posts explicitly listed the number of and titles for the topics he has queued up in his mind but hasn't put pen to paper on.

I should mention that this guy is on post #351.  (Well, technically #350 since today's audit discovered he skipped #344.  What a slacker.)  The total number of my posts is a rounding error in his total, so I'm not sure our circumstances are that comparable.  But it's status quo for me to think, "I should write about that," and then not follow though.

This blog has no shortage of its own.  Here's a list of the topics currently in "draft" on my Blogger account:
- Uncertainty (self analysis of my consistent second-guessing, with a rough tie-in to Rick Sanchez's "What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about?" comment)
- Selfishness (specifically in relationships and my predisposition to be bad at them)
- DC <3 (details expounding upon previous professions of love for our Capitol)
- A Life of Scales (why the idea of "favorites" sucks, and the case against "black and white")
- Mold Breaking (honestly this is just the transcript of a Tracee Ellis Ross speech that made me cry BUT GUYS IT WAS SO GOOD)

That's five thought trains that transitioned to electrons (although the average word count is about 150).  The number of topics still dancing around my neural network is at least triple that.  Unfortunately my mind is either infinite, a vacuum, or riddled with escape hatches because the untyped topics are forever gone.

I appreciate how my friend writes.  Sometimes about nothing.  Sometimes about deep introspection.  Either way he's documenting his thoughts.  I want to do that more often.

The issue I face is the deep-seeded need for it to be perfect first.  Post H was in draft for months.  My final edit - after essentially everything was written - took ten hours in one sitting.  The idea of putting something out there that doesn't reflect how wonderful/talented/intelligent/introspective/well-thought/put together/eloquent I am is stressful.  Paralyzingly so.

Right now I'm writing because I've had a few drinks.  It's lowered my give-a-fuck level.  I find it much easier to write in this state.  Or be social.  Or make decisions.  One day I hope to find the internal motivation to get these feeling without use of a vice - I can dream, right?
:End
Spoiler alert: I found something that's making me post this without alcohol.  Some might say the solution is still considered a "vice" (I whole-heartedly disagree), but it is definitely healthier.  

Tune in next time to hear all about it!

Comments

  1. EmilyJune 15, 2019 at 5:20 AM

    I remember when that Tracee Ellis Ross speech was making its way around the webz (it had to be that one because the topic was perfect for some of your current philosophies/part of the current leg of your Life Journey (TM)), so this has certainly been in drafts for too long. I'm glad you posted it. I like readying your thoughts uninterrupted.

    ReplyDelete
  2. EmilyJune 15, 2019 at 5:21 AM

    *reading

    Eye roll.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SamiJune 15, 2019 at 7:01 AM

    I would love to read all your unedited, raw thoughts! Can I request a post? I'd love for you to do one that you submit the minute you write the last word. No editing phase. Like I used to do in school ;) I love you and I love your thoughts

    ReplyDelete
  4. AarongillyJune 15, 2019 at 4:14 PM

    Do as your friend does. Post with flaming disregard for edits and content and overall levels of quality. I look forward to your next post, hopefully here in summer 2019.

    THAT’S MY SECRET, CAP.... I’m always writing.

    ReplyDelete

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